Mary Angel
(1/2022) Why are you reading this newspaper? Are you looking for information, a specific article, or just a good story? Everyone loves a good story, if this wasn’t true we wouldn’t have many of the television channels we have today. Story telling is at the heart of every great comedian and best-selling novel. We all have a story to tell, and to each of us that story has helped to make us the person we are today. Moms, dads, and our children are no different. So, what is their story? Learning someone’s story is only the beginning.
When you ask someone their story you are inviting them to share a part of themselves. When your husband gets home from work and you ask him how his day was or did anything interesting or different happen, you are asking for a part of his story. He may have had a rough day or an extra-long day, or even an absolutely amazing day. By asking a simple open ended question maybe you will get to hear a fun story, or maybe you will be the person who allows your husband to vent and make his day a little brighter. In either case that brief encounter will lead to a wonderful memory and strengthen a relationship.
The same thing is true of a story from your kids, only on a larger scale. Have you ever noticed how much a child’s face lights up when you ask them to share a story? Okay, maybe you aren’t specifically going to ask them, "How was your day?" Depending on your child’s age you might ask how their day at school went or if anything funny happened. You could ask about lunch, or a specific friend. Ask anything, just ask. All you have to do is start the conversation and you will get the story.
You will be amazed at the stories you will hear, especially from the elementary and high school aged child. Don’t be too upset with your middle schooler when they don’t always want to share. This is the age when they become a little less talkative and a little more private, but it is still very important that you continue to ask those questions. I might suggest that with this age group you so not ask yes or no questions, but rather ones that require more than a one word answer.
With elementary school kids you might even read something they wrote in English class and find a starting off point. My kids wrote some of the most amazing things in elementary school, from comedy to adventure to mystery. They were still elementary level writing, but a blast in their own right. I remember when my oldest son was in fourth grade and I was in a parent teacher conference with his teacher and the GT teacher and they were actually debating over the meaning of his paper. His English teacher insisted it didn’t make any sense and the GT teacher told her she was missing his creativity.
Apparently, in his story there was some sort of monster (he has always loved a good villain) chasing the hero. During the chase scene the hero ducks behind a boulder and crouches down to hide. As he is hiding, he feels drops of water on his head and he wonders to himself, "When did it start raining". It goes on from there, but this is the point the two teachers are debating. In this scene it wasn’t actually raining, the monster had found our hero and he was standing over him drooling, getting ready to pounce! My point here is that every story has at least two participants, a story teller and a listener. If you are a good listener you will get so much more out of the story. Had my sons English teacher invested in the story she might have found herself on the edge of her seat wondering what fate was about to befall our hero.
When you are engaging with your kids be sure you are actually fully engaging. If you want them to tell you their story, or any story for that matter, be sure you are looking them in the eye and giving them your full attention. As I say to my husband, you can’t follow their story while you are golfing on your phone. Consequently they aren’t going to keep telling you their stories if they don’t feel you are fully listening. Another key piece to being the listener is to engage in the dialogue. There is nothing worse than when a child bears their heart and the response they are given is, "That’s nice", or "Okay, now go do your homework". Make sure you are interjecting with some, "So, what happened next?" or "You are kidding me" or even, "That is crazy". Any interjection will let them know you are listening and interested, and this can only lead to more conversation and more sharing.
Ultimately, the story isn’t the only thing you are after. The story is an ingredient in the dish you are making; it is only one piece of how you build your relationship with your children. Letting them, encouraging them, to tell their fictitious stories in elementary school will help build a relationship that will allow them to share their non-fiction stories in high school and beyond. There is nothing I appreciate more than the fact that my kids have always felt comfortable sharing so much with me. Albeit sometimes it can seem like they are sharing too much, but that is worth the shock factor to know that they feel they can talk to me about anything.
It is an amazing two way street of give and take where you both benefit in the end. You both are cultivating a relationship that will grow and last a lifetime. It is also important because it teachers your children that everyone has a story; their parents, their friends, the grocer, the hairdresser, the homeless man on the corner, we just need to take the time to listen!
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